Battle for the Fat Old Ladies - Part 1

Yes, there is another battle going on, the battle for the hearts and souls of all the fat old ladies.

The paleo tribe isn't all that friendly to the ladies, especially the older kind.  Makes me kind of want to pelt the next guy who says that evolutionarily, I'm history, with a barrage of left-over tampons I no longer need.  About the only thing worse for an older lady who is beyond reproductive age and therefore useless is for them, besides being a vegetarian, to be a Dr. Oz-watcher.

Dr. Oz had a big zinger on a recent show, his own prehistoric diet.  I read the three pages of diet advice, and then the hundreds of comments made mostly by very angry paleo's who were outraged that he would steal their lifestyle and turn it into an evil, sickly vegan diet scheme.

"Paleo!"  they drum.  "We thought of it first!"  Well, OK, good luck with that.

And I am thinking, if you want someone to join your tribe, make them feel welcome, make them feel at home.  That means if you want to reach the fat old ladies, you have to quit making fun of them, quit making condescending and sexist comments, quit calling them fat, lazy and stupid.  The cave needs to be decked out with sparkly pens and scrabble, just like the tent in the Dr. Oz reality zoo.  Strong, brave women rearranging words out on the veranda, in between the rain showers.  Just like Martha Stewart and Bethenny Frankel.  Yes, Freud, this is what women want.

Now, Dr. Oz is very popular and influential.  There may be some truth to the idea that he doesn't want to annoy his sponsors.  I get that.  So does Dr. Feinman.  You really have to watch your step when you enter the diet and nutrition field.  Lots of turds all around, left for lots of people for you to step on if you are not careful.

If you aren't careful, maybe the ADA experts will go after you.  Then just when you think you are into safe territory at Paleohacks, you get Patrik threatening to drop the hammer on you.  "I'm gonna brekka yo face!"  Ooooooo, no scrabble there.  Paleohacks must have been named that because they like to hack each other to pieces over there.  Take a look at this fine piece of, um, "work".  And this is just for members of the tribe, not even for someone as evil as Dr. Oz.

I commend Dr. Oz for at least calling it what it is, a zoo.  Ya, there is that call to "freeing the animal", but if your inner animal is just a big pig, well that is what pens and bars were invented for.  Just sayin', I can understand why Dr. Oz wants to distance himself.  So, in honor of Dr. Oz actually being NICE to fat old ladies, and inviting them to his show where it is clear they are the stars and also having lots of fun, I have decided to do his version of the prehistoric diet.  (Notice he didn't call it the caveMAN diet.)  In order to do it, I will have to customize it a bit for my own local condition and preferences.

1.  Protein.  Dr. Oz recommends a low protein diet, full of beans, greens and seaweed.  I can do the greens and seaweed just fine, but I don't eat all that many beans, so I will be substituting most of the beans for grass-fed meat and fish.

2.  Calcium.  Dr. Oz recommends tofu and boxed soy and nut milk.  I don't eat much soy because it doesn't do well with me and I don't do things in three-layer aseptic boxes, so I will be substituting with sardines and even more greens.

3.  Fat.  Dr. Oz recommends olives, avocado, flax, hemp, chia and walnuts.  No problem there except I don't want any hemp seeds just in case I have to take a drug test or something.

4.  Carbs.  Dr. Oz recommends eating the rainbow, with all sorts of colorful foods like fruits and vegetables.  Unfortunately, he let some of the colors run together too much and got brown in his rainbow.  So, to get brown, we are supposed to eat whole wheat bread and pasta and quinoa.  Quinoa is really white, so I don't get the brown category, but then again, I am a stupid Dr. Oz-watcher, so I think it was expected that I would overlook that one little point.  However, since wheat makes me sick and starving, and quinoa makes me gag, I am substituting these "brown" foods with real colors, like more yellow squash, purple cabbage, red snapper and orange roughy.  And of course, red Argentine malbec.

I'll be setting up yet another account at [redacted]people.com, for those who want to follow along.  I'll post a link once it gets going, just look at the birdie.  Here's the site I set up for tracking food nutrients.