Wednesday, January 4, 2012

This Just In for 2012 - The Lost Tribe of Atkins

Yes, there is still time to ring out the old and ring in the new.  Now you know that the "great upheavals and earth changes" and all that 2012 stuff are already here when Lori Corbin drops gems like "the FAT FREE revolution is over...."  For those not in LA, Lori Corbin is that slightly cute but mostly annoying health reporter food coach at a local TV station.  For years, it had been lots of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, tofu, and chronic cardio for her, and for everyone else she lectures.

Now that she has read Richard Feinman's wonderful  nutty post, she gone a little bit nuts herself.  Since his post came out only yesterday, it looks like they made a quick change to her segment, which like virtually all her other segments, was 100% fat free.  What she really said is, "the fat free revolutin is over, BUT CALORIES STILL COUNT." and then shows a preview of yet another fat free recipe.  Oh, I guess the great upheaval still needs a bit of upheaving.

In his post, Dr. Feinman humorously laments the very real fact that the "in crowd" diet researchers have "discovered" fat and have somehow managed to write a "peer-reviewed" paper that completely ignores ALL of the very real research done by the Atkins band over the years.  I state, Dr. Feinman, that the Atkins have been slighted, but really, what do you care what other people think?

The Atkins. That lost tribe, swallowed up by rising waters of stupidity, floating around somewhere near Atlantis.  But like any good 2012 story, the lost tribe of Atkins was more advanced and sophisticated than today's "modern" researchers.  We have been wasting so much time on the Mediterraneans or the Kitavans, but what about the Atkins?  Happily, the idea that civilizations cycle around has already been re-discovered by Graham Hancock  before Dr. Jenkins' behavior verified his theory.  Like the lost civilizations that went before them, the Atkins believe that they have been housing the original Ark of Nutritional Knowing of Dietary Good and Evil.

Now even Lori Corbin is cookin' with vapors, that ethereal fat-free calorie-controlled method.  So, they are circling around and around, and they still can't get to that slab of bacon, that large and powerful force of the universe, capable of redeeming and destroying.  It is very promising and dangerous, so it was important that commoners didn't try this at home.  It is so powerful, the researchers can't even look at it, or they would melt into dust.

Fearing its destruction by nervous political powers, the Atkins protected this revelation for many years,.  Overarching nutritional religions were established to counter the intense power the Atkins discovered, tasked with keeping this dangerous ("and above all, boring") dietary strategy out of the hands of commoners, who might revolt and free themselves from all tyranny.  The false religionists created powerless analogs to mimic essential archetypes of the ancients: pyramids, circles, institutional monoliths, fake learning institutions, secret herbs and tinctures, the supposedly-sacred 60-30-10 geometry.

Last night, I fell into a deep sleep, and in a dream, the good beings visited me.  In the dream, I went onto the internet in the evening, and even though I had installed f.lux and turned down the brightness to restrict the blue light, this huge fireball shot out of my computer screen, with blue, purple, gold light, of all the other colors.  It knocked me off my chair and reset my circadian rhythms.  In the middle of the ball of light, were beings, made of light.  They were eating a large pan of hot, dripping, crispy bacon.  They offered me some bacon.  I tried to turn away, but I could not, and at first, I thought I would melt, but I took a piece of bacon, and as I was eating it, this is what the beings had to say.  "It is just becoming harder and harder to ignore the evidence."

I predict even more earthquakes, rifts and upheavals in 2012.  Remember, you heard it here first!!!!


  1. Enjoyable post although I am not sure I know what it is about.

  2. Not a Graham Hancock fan (yet)? I predict there will be a whole lot more crust displacement going on in 2012. We have displaced all of the crusts around here, tho every once in awhile we let a tuber back in.

  3. If you put Myplate in front of the food pyramid, you'd have two-thirds of the Deathly Hallows.

  4. oh, i'm glad you linked this post.... i LOVE your warped sense of humor!